Karma is a real

I don't know what my feeling supposed to be. Wait a sec, i'm wanna laugh full hahahahahahahahahahaha~ it's not enough to me bacause i feel this is a life, what a life! If you want to understand this story you should open this (i'm was fool wrote that) and then let me to tell. First, i lose my first boy in senior high school, after we had relationship since junior school, after that, we break up because his new girlfriend, emm.... exactly, she take away my boy can you imagine how broke my heart that time? hulalala~ so childish i'm. And then, they have  very very long time relationship. Began from first time senior high until..... last time I heard this news, maybe 2 years more and now..... those boy has have a new girlfriend! Hahahahaha so pity you are (first girl before) you got what i've got dude! I know what you feel right now:p Congratulations for a new couple and also gilr who has leaved! Feel the pain that i have been. Now i'm more trust with you, Karma. Becareful!

before

after

Something to think about

Me: God, can I ask you some question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise u won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did u let so much stuff happen to me lately?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I always late to sleep and absolutely late to go to collage
God: Yes
Me: Then, I can't get concentrate on my course. I wan't to make my perents dissapoint
God: Okay
Me: In home, I feels like I'm an 'girl-room'. Who always stay at room and do all my activities just at room
God: All right
Me: And the worst, I lose my best friend. She leave me (or me?) I've no one to talk! Just you God, I miss her. Can you bring her to me back?
God: Let me see, I give you more time at the night to think all what you've done to me, to all people that day. But you won't. You just crying. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): Oh
GOD: I gave you brain, ability, capability, prosperity. You just to used all I give. You just do that. Don't worry about your perents. They didn't know, I'm promise
Me (ashamed): ...
God: I gave you mom, dad, bro, but you choose to be alone at your room. You're more enjoy at your social web. You forget me, you forget them. Change it!
Me (embarrassed): Ok
God: You already choose what you want. Dont regret all it. She need you and also you, but? You can see another person around you. You just sight at her,only her. So I let you see another friends can be get friend. Even it's not same than her. You must realize!
Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm sorry God
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me.....in all things , the good & the bad.
Me: I will trust you
God: And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.
God: You're welcome :)

Beats Apart 2

With you gone, there would still be one thing I have to resolve: Her.

I am wrong, though. Seeing her alone is enough to resurrect every tiny piece of my times spent with her. Shoulder-length hair, sunburned skin, rosy fingernails. I remember why I didn’t straight break up with her in the first place upon seeing you. Both are precious in their own way, and I didn’t bother to make a choice. I avoided making choices. In the end, guilt killed me slowly, and leaving both choices seemed like the best way to keep feelings intact without any traces of betrayal (hint: it’s not). I made up reasons. I am nothing short of avaricious, and you and her have fallen victim to my sentiments. If there were a prison for infatuation offenders, then I will surely deserve a place in one.

She spills all the beans on me. How you were virtually a perfect match with him until she came along to an even more perfect match, of lack of better terms. How you broke up silently and faded away without much rigor. How, after I went out with her, she slowly became curious of me slowly resembling you, painting stuff I never cared to paint (I never even painted before) and humming to the tune of Kaputt when I never listened to Destroyer before. She was inquisitive, yet apparently I was too good at concealing my track with you and she no longer felt like prying me around.

But her guesses were right, and you indeed were dragging me around with your charm like a fruit fly for the sake of making her go through the same pains you have gone through.

Or so she says. Currently I am conditioned to trust her more than you. At least she is telling everything, unlike you. You know that you can't give up. No matter how hard it gets, this is the path you chose. And remember, those who sticks will be rewarded.

In the end, I am back to square one. To where I set foot upon the new town, free from you and her. Perhaps this is the way indeed, a warning for you to not come in contact with me again and for me to not fall for you. Again. At this point I don’t care anymore whether your every kiss was for the sake of avenging her every kiss, or whether your antipasti are but a confront to her bowls of carbonara. What happens in the past doesn’t even need to stay in the past. What happens in the past should just wither and die and forgotten.

Lesson learned. Proceed onward. Life, and work, awaits.

Sama Seperti Kamu

Sama seperti kamu, terkadang saya terlalu banyak menuntut. Saya tau betul pengertian dari bersyukur, tapi itupun sama seperti kamu, saya sering lupa di mana tempat seharusnya syukur diletakkan. Sama seperti kamu, kadang rasa berkecambuk dalam dada. Apa yang bisa saya lakukan? Mungkin sama seperti kamu, tidak bisa apa-apa. Ketika perasaan dengan mudah dijungkirbalikan oleh seseorang, saya jadi bimbang, sama seperti kamu jika dimainkan perasaannya. Kemudian saya menanyakan nasib kepada Tuhan, sama seperti kamu, saya ingin jawaban. Apa daya, Tuhan hanya tersenyum, sama seperti kamu. Ketika terbesit nama kamu, ketika rindu bersarang, ketika reluh ingin berteriak, apakah seperti kamu? Tidak, kamu tidak begitu. Kepada saya. 

Bahagia

Hari ini Tuhan menjawab sebagian doa ku. Sebagian kecil, tapi bermakna besar. Biar ku jelaskan, agar tak menerka bahwa aku ini si pembual atau berlebihan. Dua jam dari dua puluh empat jam hari ini sungguh aku nikmati tiada tanding. Dua jam singkat namun penuh arti, dua jam sempit tapi begitu bermakna. Di ruangan sederhana itu tak banyak yang berubah. Si merah marun kesayangan masih kokoh menyangga. Tempat favorit, tempat berbagi keluh, bergurau, berdera air mata. Celoteh nya memenuhi ruangan sederhana itu. Dua jam penuh tanpa batas aku serahkan kepada dia untuk berbagi. Kuserahkan dua jam itu untuk melepas rindu ku terhadap semua hal yang lalu. Tiap diktean kata aku rekam, sebagai pengingat kalau dua jam ini pernah ada. Dua jam yang dahulu bisa lebih dari ini. Dua jam yang dulu sering aku lewati bahkan aku sia-sia kan kini aku agungkan dan selalu aku harapkan di lamunan doa. Tuhan, engkau baik sekali....sekecil apapun berkah dari mu sering aku lupakan. Namun untuk hal ini, mengapa tak bisa untuk aku luput dari harapan? Ah biarkan, biar hidup ku berjalan seiring harapan. Tuhan ku belum mensabdakan untuk melarang berharap.

Kemudian terlintas....tidak ada bahagia yang sempurna. Atau salah? Apa kah ada bahagia yang sempurna? Kerap kali bahagia, namun selalu dibayangi oleh ketakutan. Memang hanya sugesti, tapi mempengaruhi tiap lekuk bahagia itu. Dulu sempat salah tentang mengartikan senang dan bahagia. Senang adalah suatu perasaan temporer yang hanya bisa dirasakan sementara dan mudah didapat. Sedangkan bahagia, ada hal yang bisa dikenang dan dapat menimbulkan kebahagiaan itu lagi dan juga butuh perjuangan untuk mendapatkannya. Kesenangan sering kita rasakan, namun pernah kalian jumlah kan banyakan mana dengan bahagia? Jarang. Ini bahagia, bukan lagi senang. Dulu ini mudah didapatkan kini butuh perjuangan. Dulu gampang dilupakan, ini kerap kali dikenang. Terimakasih Tuhan, kelak doa-doa ku mengantri ingin kau jawab satu persatu.

Elegi

Entah mengapa aku masih enggan untuk pindah dari elegi ini. Mungkin karena aku pendengar setia nya. Mungkin juga karena cuma aku yang perduli. Bukan karena tuntutan skrip atau naskah hidup aku begini. Jika ada kitab yang bisa ku baca  tentang gambaran hidup ku, tentu aku tidak ingin begini. Namun, lagi-lagi aku terlalu mencintai elegi. Sayup-sayup aku dengar, kesana-kemari aku berusaha mencari, agar tak pernah aku luput dari serpihan anguistik. Bukan aku terlalu melankolis apalagi kalsikal, aku hanya berusaha mencari titiik nyaman dalam diding ini. Sebab, jika aku bertatap dengan lawan bicara, barangkali tidak ada yang bisa mengerti. Ada orang tidak suka diterka, karena terkaan lebih banyak mengandung kerancuan. Tapi aku sering berdusta jika orang menerka, apalagi tentang dia. Seluruh balutan nafas senada dengan dosa. Aku penuh   kepalsuan terhadapnya. Kapan lagi aku memulai kejujuran? Sampai dia sendiri yang menerka. Akan ku beberkan semua kenistaan keabu-abuan. Karena pengabu hari-hari ku, adalah dia.

Stranger

You are not a bad friend of reason. You are a best friend of excuses. 

Of which, is reflected, through every action you have taken, every step you have made, every preference you have chosen over something else. French fries over mashed potatoes. Not because they are mouthwatering, but because I never fail to make you eat mashed potatoes that I have made. She over me. Not because she makes you happier, but because I will still stay around although you keep coming and going. Just like now. 

My thoughts fled to a fragment within my photographic memory. You, me, and those empty bottles of beer on a seaside. No, there were no star in the sky; but still, we gazed to it as if they were there. There is no friendship between us; but still, we cuddle in some nights as if we have it. Day by day around you makes me lose my sanity gradually. 

“I miss you,” I said. Expecting an answer to come out of your mouth. Expecting a caress shows up. Expecting a quiet, intimate moment of tranquility. Can’t I have it? Predictably, you did not say a thing. I can never stop being a stupid damsel. “Say something…” I said again. I could feel the bitterness in my mouth. Why have I too bad for you, of all people? A friend who always disguise her excuses by saying, “I am being reasonable.” A friend who never knows what she wants. A friend who pretends to have grown up but can never make her own choices. I utterly knew it was just going to be another excuse coming from your throat.

“It was not a question,” you answered, without even looking at my eyes. I immediately wanted to leave, but again, you did not let me go. I still can feel the way you grasp my waist so tightly, leaving me with no other choice but to stay. You perfectly know that I’ll never be tired of waiting you. Even so, let me tell you, I’m fucking tired of being in pain. The pain of seeing you leaving every morning after without saying good morning but goodbye. The pain of glancing to photos of you was if I know nothing about you. The pain of smelling your scent attached to the shirts you deliberately leave under my pillow. I walked out of my door to spend a scrap of my life. No, there is no you in it. And I guess there will never be.

A bottle of iced water to keep me calm.

A poem to describe my feeling

Sunglasses to keep me away from the crowd when I want to.

I still need you, but you don't.

Because the more I grow fonder of you, the more I wish we were strangers again.

Oh wait, we already are.

M

Angan

Di yang terdalam keyakinan masih ada
Percaya bahwa takdir itu baik
Kelak takdir mengembalikan apa yg telah hilang
Apa yang telah diambil
Semua pasti berbalik, pulang, kembali


Tersusun rapih setiap angan
Pasti satu persatu aku janjikan
Semoga kelak takdir mengizinkan
Akan ku ceritakan tiap teguk pahit kehilangan
Tiap kecapan manis mengenang


Katanya masih ada hidup selagi ada harapan
Biarlah ini menjadi harapan
Barangkali takdir bersenang hati mewujudkan
Terlebih, takdir mengabulkan setiap angan
Semoga bukan sekedar angan-angan

Beats Apart

I guess I just said yes.

You might still have cards up your sleeve, but my instinct overwhelms my curiosity for now. Perhaps deep inside I want you here, by my side, even for just a few weeks. Come on, who doesn’t? But I have promised myself just a few weeks ago to not breach into the romance zone with whosoever. And now, the promise had been broken. This opportunity, however, gives me time to uncover everything you still hide from me. I have got the first clues. The slight pause-and-chuckle before you said you will be here for “art business” is a sign that you were lying. If I were talking straight to your face, perhaps you will be averting your eyes to the right for about two seconds and putting your hand over your mouth before saying anything. Every piece of your behavior has always been on my watch. Nonetheless, I have promised you a place to stay. You said you will be coming in the next few days when I least expect it — alas, you are always acting beyond my expectation. Now, in the supermarket, my grocery shopping suddenly weigh more than before, as if expecting you to come and dine at any minute. Well, I can eat all of these by myself anyway, no regrets shopping more for once in a while. At home, she calls. I ignore it. She calls again. I am still not picking up. The third time she calls, I turn off the phone and browse for flight tickets. See, I got bored easily and always plan for an escape for about a week once in a few months, regardless of my schedule on that week. And most of the times it stays a plan. Thailand? Uninteresting. Greece? Political turbulence. Russia? Cold. Brazil? …too crowded? Still, wherever I go, a company would be nice. You. You would make a good company. I clean up a poster of High Fidelity that you bought at Singapore last year for me. I hated the movie, but you bought it anyway just to annoy me, and I can’t help but hang it on the wall as a memento of your cutesy ways to remind me of you. When she asked about it, I said it is my favorite flick ever. As I re-hang the poster, I notice that I have just cleaned up everything in here, as if you were going to be mad if I never take proper care of my residence. Which you always do. Am I expecting you? The air around me is full of self-denial. will you ring my bell?

I am deep in my contemplation as my stereo shuffles the least proper song for the night. Transatlanticism. I chuckle a bit, as I cannot help but sing slowly, I need you so much closer…

Satuan

Mengapa semua-semua dihitung bulanan? Gaji orang tua ku, tamu pribadi ku, masa aktif chat messager ku, bahkan umur sebuah hubungan. Haruskah? Baiklah jika begitu, kurang lebih 300 bulan ayahku menerima upah, 60 bulan tamu pribadi ku datang, 11 bulan chat messager ku aktif dan 7 bulan umur hubungan kalian. Ya.... analoginya bukankah seiring berjalannya waktu, berganti detik, menit, jam, tanggal, hari, minggu, bulan hingga tahun itu mengurangi tiap mili satuan? Ya....satuan hidup misalnya. Kita tidak hanya berulangtahun setiap pengulangan tahun bukan? Kita berganti hari itu sudah pengurangan masa hidup. Lalu bagaimana dengan sebuah hubungan? Samakah dengan hidup?